Wednesday, February 09, 2011.

Timing.

{ 2:10:00 AM }

{ 2:03:00 AM }

Sunday, January 30, 2011.

I don't know if there is a u-turn on my feeling towards you. I hope not... because that time, it did not end quite well. You disappeared.

{ 3:27:00 AM }

My days will be better!

I want to be positive & get more stronger this year. emotionally, mentally & spiritually... Heartbreaks, hurts & disappointments, who can i lift it up to other than my heavenly Father.

This morning was a disaster. My heart hurt like mad... All the cold wars with my mum since before my birthday last year and it only got better few days ago. My mum just go mad this morning & had a fight with my brother. My dad came back home when my mum was spilling all her unhappiness and anger on me after my brother left the house. My dad came home and add in to it. The expectations, the thoughts, the words that they had said towards me really hurts. really really hurts... Have i never care about my mum? Have i not help in housework? not often but i really had... and they have never realised... Times when i am washing dishes & washing clothes, they can just walk pass and seems like they didn't see anything. when times im not doing anything, resting at home, they can say i have never done anything at home... How sad...? They can always compare me with those earning big bucks at my age, and said that at the age of 24, i only know how to play... useless... have i been playing? no i didnt...

well, they had much more things...

I want peace in my family. What can i do...? God says, "pray..." I felt that God is telling me this 'Ask and it shall be given, seek and you shall find, knock and it shall be open.' All the hurts, i only can lift it up to Him & look to Him...

Next, about a friend... I think we are drifting further from each other... Today, how much have we really talked when we met each other? not really much... almost nothing...

Another friend... Seeing & spending time with you, chatting with you everyday, or almost everyday during those bus rides & train rides has been such a joy. i wonder what is it like to our friendship when such chances has gone. And it's going to end real soon... What kind of friend am i to you? I am kinda afraid that we will go back what we were like before... see each other without a Hi...

{ 2:24:00 AM }

Saturday, January 15, 2011.

Most of the times, it is through quality time and the time i spent with a person will make me feel that i have got closer with the person... no matter a friend, a stranger, my leader or family member.

I love quality time, i treasure all those quality times especially with the people i love & treasure!
Well, that is my love language!
heeee~

{ 1:02:00 AM }

Things do changed...

When you thought that you can't let go a person who used to be in your life...
When you spent such a long time trying to forget a person...
When everything seems like not going anywhere...
This is when you are trying so hard, everything will just seems difficult.

You just got tokeep trying and keep forgeting.
When things changed after the new year, no more silence, back to friends...
Not a single feeling came back...
This person aren't that important to you anymore...
:)

{ 12:49:00 AM }

Saturday, January 01, 2011.

BYE 2010, HI 2011.

i guess i gonna start off my post by saying 2010 was not been a great year for me.

There are times that i fell and hurt myself so badly.
There are times that i really doubt myself so much, thinking that im just not good enough.
There are times that my self-esteem went to the lowest.
There are times that i would cry myself to sleep on my bed at night.
There are times that i felt so lonely, no one to pour out my heart to.
There are times that my tears just burst out when i was travelling on trains and buses.
There are times that i would cry when i was on my way walking back home and dry my tears downstair before i stepped into my house.
There are times that i would cry in the toilet when i was bathing.
There are times that i feel so tired that i just wished to sleep for the next 24 hours or never wake up.

Sometimes i did not know what i was being bothered about, it were just all the negtive thoughts came into my mind.
2010 is probably year that i haven't achieved much and i think that it wasn't a fruitful year for me.
I did disappoint many people around me.
My weaknesses that i didn't thought i have for the past 7 years since im saved, all showed up.
All my stubborness, my discipline, my accountability.
That was the first time for the past 7 years, i feel like running away from service and cellgroup.

I felt like i don't want to be at home because no one understands what i want.
I felt like i was always lacking financially.
I doubted a lot on my friendships with my closer friends around me.
I doubted myself, my ability, my talent, how much God have been doing though me.
I stayed in hospital, had surgery, diagnosed with a tumor that was so close to cancerous.
I didn't do well for my exam, out of my expectation.
I felt that i couldn't connect with God.
I felt that i had lost my spiritual life, i was just going through the routine.
I had many cold wars with my mum.

But there are still a few happy things that worth mentioned.
I stepped out and gave my first Bible study to my members. It wasn't a difficult thing, but preaching or teaching is just not my thing. Sometimes when you're really not good at the thing, you just hate doing it.
I led praise & worship in my cellgroup meetings.
My fruits (connect group members) who are so sweet & they had shown their love for me.

Friends that have been staying by my side, helping me through, encouraging me.

Well, all these were the past! I believe for a great year in 2011!!
:))))

I will grow more spiritually!
I will rise up in choir!
I will be more fruitful in my life!
I will have a prosperous soul!
I will be a better connect group leader!
I will be more closer to God!
I will be more closer to my family!
I will Ace for my school results!
I will feel good about myself!
I will have better relationship with my close friends!
I will find my 'best friend'!
.
.
.

YES AMEN!
:D

{ 12:30:00 AM }

Thursday, December 09, 2010.

A few of the connect group leaders and shalynne, we went to Adora's place to surprise her during her last few minutes of her 21st birthday. In the car, Jiji and Gloria were sharing with me about the message that Pst Phil shared during leaders meeting which I have missed out. Talking about fruitfulness, the vines and the branches. God wants us to be fruitful. If we don't bear fruits, God will cut us out from the branches. Being fruitful in reaching out to souls and abiding in God. I got to confess that this year, I am not really there. This year marks my 7th year in church. I think i fell down this year, hit badly in thoughts, emotions, discipline, life etc. Most of the time I don't really feel like reading the word and pray, I kept feeling burnt out. There were times that I wanted to escape from church. There are only rare times that I feel so in love with God, while most of the time this year, I think I have been walking by myself and not with God. I have been just doing what I am familiar with and mistaken it as fruitfulness in my relationship with God.

This year is a goal-less year. I didn't really set any goals for myself. I didn't even write the goal card at the beginning of the year. But I just persue what I know I want to do in life and set myself goals here and there this year.

For 2011, I really need a change. I guess it's a good idea to sit down somewhere alone before this year ends, thinking about how to be fruitful for God once again in 2011.

{ 3:19:00 AM }

And I still know God is faithful...
:)

{ 3:18:00 AM }

Monday, December 06, 2010.

What's happening?

I don't know what's happening or even why did so much things happen this year?

Firstly, heart broken by a friend and never have i take so long to move on. I'm still trying my best not to feel the sink in my heart whenever i see this person around.

Secondly, diagnosed myself with a tumor is something that i have never imagined. No people of around my age has thing like this, why am i the one? The troubles that i have to go through, like financial, surgery, missing out my usual leisure, unable to work... all these are like nightmare. Dishearten and discourage.. fearful that things could get worsened. Suddenly i begin to ask, how can a small flu, headache, fever, or stomache compare to this. I know many people around me care or some just want to be kpo. People who doesnt know willl keep asking things like 'what happen?', 'are you alright?' ... People who knows will keep asking how am I? Im tired of explaining actually.

Thirdly, i failed one of my module. This is only my first year and first semester, the start of my uni life, and im failing... I have been telling myself to work hard & excel for my uni life, but i end up failing a module. The thought of repeating it next semester, the troubles of needing to go for enrolment session again and the money that i got to pay to retake the module again...

All these troubles that i have put myself into... can life be more simpler?

Right now it feels like on the inside im cuddling myself in one corner crying, yet also self-encouraging myself that everything is gonna be well... and on the outside, im potraying my positive and strong side. I'm still carrying my responsibility, somehow half-heartedly. Is it right?

Im feeling afraid upon hearing that my dad's hand is not well today. not an injury and not knowing the source of the pain. This is scary... The support of my life, please don't be down.

Are all these happening because of me? I have not been doing this certain enough...

{ 8:46:00 PM }

Like a fool waiting for you

like the wind,
it came and blew me away.
like the waves,
riding high and crushing over me.

this that i thought i had,
slipped through the webs of my hands.
this that i thought i’ve found,
was lost just as i gained my ground.

what a short period of joy we had,
nonetheless so many that we shared.
no one has ever let me feel this way,
but now you left with no words to be cared.

i would love to see your heart and mind,
to open it from the inside.
to show me what you have been thinking,
revealing your deepest innermost feelings.

but you have shut this door to me,
like a fool i wait in the rain.
feeling the tears of the sky,
flowing down with those from my face.

like a fool i will stand with his grace,
and i shall wait patiently with resilence and grace.
for the moment to come to pass,
where you and i will be together again as one.

{ 8:37:00 PM }

Thursday, December 02, 2010.

The person who don't even bother about you, who kicked you away just like that, who is so childish & you didnt even mean anything to him... why you still let him stuck in your mind for almost a year? How foolish are you!

{ 1:49:00 AM }

Sunday, November 14, 2010.

I am totally touched & encouraged by what Pst. Kong preached and i really cried buckets. I guess winter season is what I am going through. Discourages after discourages, bad news after bad news, worries after worries...like school tests results & performance on my exam.

Recently, i just received a really bad news. I am really afraid, really so afraid... while everyone is enjoying, i have to accept this, i cried, i am really afraid. My tears even just burst out when i was travelling in the train & in front of my colleagues. But i have been trying to hide my fears when i'm with everyone, especially people whom i have not told. Even those who knew, i just wanna show that i'm alright? It seems like a dream, this can't be happening to me. Somehow self-esteem has get really low. I really come to the extend asking God why, can i not suffer from this? But if it's His will, let it be upon me.

Psalm 3:5, "weeping last for a night, but joy comes in the morning."

Every season will pass. God bring you to this to let you go through something and prepare you for the next season. God will bring me to spring season soon! I believe!! Just got to keep on trusting in Him and not give up.

:)

{ 1:13:00 AM }

Monday, November 08, 2010.

It's just feelings on the inside that somehow it gets down. Some friends that you treasure didnt seem to have you in their heart, in their mind. Friends whom i always treasure, you don't really get a place in their heart. I see the number of encouragements and concerns that i received from the number of people, and i compare mine with the friends who are around me that are getting. Yea, recently i have been comparing myself with my friends. Friends that important to you left you. Even probably i have been busy and my hands got lose holding them, did they really put in the effort to hold me back? How am i in the eyes of others? I want to be more 'I'. I want to be more open to sharing my thoughts, my jokes, my ups & downs. I want to be more open up. Yes, im feeling sad & disappointed because of all these. These are the voice of the devil that makes me feel inadequate. :( Im tired of chasing after people (friendship & relationship), i wish people would chase after me instead.

I got to focus on God and not on people and the world. Because God doesn't disappoint us, but people will. So i really got to focus on Him, focus on His promises. You don't make friends to get popular or see how popular you are, but you are blessed when you have a friend that stands by you through your ups & downs and never leave you.

Hang on to psitive confession!
Got to focus on spiritual stuff!!
:)

{ 12:24:00 AM }

Sunday, October 31, 2010.

But even when my visions seems blur and heart seems weighed down, I will look back to my God... my HOPE is in Him and Him only. :)

{ 10:18:00 AM }

Where have all my dreams & vision gone?
It's like i want to become this & that, but feeling & thinking that can i really do it?
Dreams seems far & unclear.
My dreams seems unachievable...

Maybe i have neglected on my spiritual life, emotions and thoughts have been attacked. Never have i feel so alone, especially during my exam period. I still smile, i still laugh, i still tell people that i love them, it still serve, i still do everything.. but recently i feel lonely, i wonder which friend is really with me? What if i feel that the close friends that i used to have are better than the friends i have now? Isn' it whenever a friend walks away from you, another better friend will come?

I begin to wonder why some people just get so much encouragement from the people around them. They are always surrounded by a same group of good friends (probably best friends) who never fail to encourage and spend time with one another so frequently. Where are mine? When you wish that the people whom you care will care for you as the same... but no... The best friend that i think is my best frien, really my best friend? because it seems like this person's heart is elsewhere and physically elsewhere too.

Well, too much of my ranting. BYE!
:)

{ 1:52:00 AM }

Tuesday, October 12, 2010.

Sometimes on the outside, you appear that you dont care because you are not supposed to care anymore... but you are still caring and concerning deep down in your heart...

but no point yea?

:)

{ 3:49:00 AM }

Monday, October 11, 2010.

I don't know who is reading my blog anymore... lol! blogger has been abandoned by so many people that i no longer can track my readers who are coming from nowhere.

"What you have now, you may lost it the next second. So treasure it with all you can first before it leaves you..."

"This friendship that only lasted 1/2 a year is never the same as any other friendships."

{ 3:57:00 AM }

Saturday, October 09, 2010.

Putting behind those urge to care, concern and encourage...
because everything doesn't worth it anymore...
:))

{ 2:20:00 AM }

Saturday, October 02, 2010.

Just before i head to bed sson, i feel like coming back here to write something. Dust has been growing on this blog, not much people have been coming here to read my blog too... I think it'll be nice to be active over here once again.

I think it's rather scary when i think about school. 2 months have past since the semester start, and exam is going to come in 3 weeks time. that's very very fast! just a blink of the eyes, everything's gone & everything's changed. Certan days, i will walk pass this neighbourhood primary school and thought to myself that it feels like it was just yesterday when i was in my primary school uniform, carry the heavy back walking from school to home. I would be 12 years old when i was doing that... and now i'm almost 23 years old.

Recently, this thinking just came to my mind... about friends, about the people we mix with. It's important to choose the right friends to be in your life, people that will stay alongside with you. People who are not just faithful, but spiritual too. Someone who's with you, someone who will walk in the same level of spirituality, someone who is able to bring you higher, someone who won't pull you down. This thought changes my lifestyle. I see the importance of choosing the right activities to do at the right time. I want someone who is my peer, someone whom i can share my life with. This makes me decide that i have to filter out some people & activities from my life. I still love the people, but i just won't choose give most of my time to them. I feel more liberated, i feel happier. I have more time to do the things that i want to do. I feel that these activities will bring me forward. And because of that, i start to have more time alone & i realised how i really enjoy solitude. Of course, i still love all the quality & fun time with many many friends.

Everyday seems to pass so quickly. It's about 6 months already. Things never got better, and probably i have given up most of the hopes already. We are out of each other lives. I'm getting used to the truth that i'm out of your life faster that you are out of my life. Somehow, it always hurt a little everytime when your have those little actions behind to try to force me to push you out of my life. You're succeeding. Our friendships has turned to a thin line which i almost couldn't see anymore. I'm telling myself everyday that do i know you before, and everyday im still questioning myself why does everything become this way. Yea, i have never gone through a day without thinking about all these things. But i'm not sad anymore.

Just like what Dr. AR Bernard had said, 'don't confuse movement with progressing.' I feel that i have been moving too much, but not progressing. I got weary easily. Visions aren't so clear to me. I begin to rearrange my lifestyle, my priority, my life.. do things that i want to do, learn things that i want to learn... i feel that i'm progressing once again. :D

{ 3:02:00 AM }